Her Own Mr Fix It
by colorsdontgo
Summary: Luke and Lorelai haven't spoken in months, but they still see each other everyday. Things are just too weird for both of them. Lorelai's life is in pieces, and she desperately needs her own Mr. Fix It to pick up the pieces once again. Please R and R


A/N: Kind of AU. Takes place after Lorelai leaves Max. Christopher doesn't come back. Also sort of a song-fic since each chapter/part is going to be inspired by song lyrics. And all songs will be from Rilo Kiley because I heart them. Ok, this first chapter is kind of two chapters because they were too short to be on their own and there isn't any dialogue to make it seem longer. If there is anything that is totally wrong, grammatically or otherwise, blame my lack of a beta. Please, please, please tell me what you think.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls. I envy ASP because she and the rest of the team do. I also don't own the lyrics included. But those are credited already.

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**Her Own Mr. Fix It**

_I know I'm alone  
if I'm with or without you  
but just being around you  
offers me another form of relief._  
-"Portions for Foxes" by Rilo Kiley

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She knew that no matter how many guys she dated, she was still alone. Yes, she had Rory, her career, her friends, but none of them made her feel any less alone. With Max, she thought she felt something different. She thought that maybe she wouldn't be alone for the rest of her life. But in all the words they exchanged in the weeks leading up to their wedding, she felt it all slide away. The icy claws of loneliness slid back around her body, claiming her as his own. She knew she had to leave Max before anything became official because, even when she was with him, she felt alone. After her trip to Harvard with Rory, she felt loneliness' grip loneliness on her loosen because he knew he won yet another battle against her. Her freezing heart warmed a bit, and she was able to continue on with her life. 

After Max, she swore off dating for a while. She still got offers: strangers asking for her number or giving theirs; guys in her business class, trying to seem older than they were. Nothing felt right. She felt it was best to stay unattached. No guys fit in her life except the one she saw everyday, the one who always wore a grumpy look on his face and had a surly teenager following him around, trying to get out of working. Whenever she saw him, she felt this immense peace wash over her, a calm in the storm. So she started going to the diner more than ever. He didn't mind. He knew she needed a place to wind down, and sometimes, the best place to do that—especially for her—was a place where it was loud and busy, where she could sit with a hot cup of coffee in front of her, completely ignored by the other customers.

Each time she came in, he acknowledged her with a grunt and some coffee while she gave him a smile of appreciation. They didn't talk much anymore. Things were just too weird for them. He felt guilty because of her broken engagement; she felt guilty because of his most recent breakup with his beautiful on and off girlfriend Rachel. He didn't know it, but when he told her that Rachel left, she could see the reason why in his eyes. "It was because of you!" they screamed at her. She didn't want him to see the same look in her eyes after her breakup with Max. She couldn't handle it. She couldn't bear him to feel the guilt she felt everyday of thinking she screwed up something really good for him. She didn't want him to feel like he screwed up something good for her. So she had Sookie tell him. She felt like a coward, but she couldn't let him see the real reason. "I left him because I didn't love him. I didn't love him because I love you." She knew that if she spoke to him at all, he would see this. She didn't want to be that vulnerable to him. She couldn't let him see that. It needed to be hers for a bit longer.

So they fell into a pattern of grunts, coffee and smiles. Everyone in the town could see the change in their relationship, but they didn't know what to make of it. Were they still friends after all this shared guilt? Had they really dwindled down to simply the customer and the coffee supplier? They didn't understand why she would spend more and more time there, but neither ever said a word. Nothing made sense to the town filled with nonstop talkers, who felt that talking was the cure to everything. These two were beloved by the town. They had so much potential, so much chemistry and attraction between them. But that all seemed to fade away in an instant. They never even spoke a word to each other anymore. It worried the town.

What the town didn't understand was that both he and she needed this period of silence. Their silence was neither awkward nor hostile. It was just what they both needed most right now. She could easily start some mindless banter and he reply with a sarcastic, though thoroughly honest, response. But both preferred the silence. It was calming, soothing, relaxing, necessary. This was why she came to the diner every second she could. There was a great deal of understanding between them. No matter whether they were together or apart, every time they were around each other, it was this amazing form of relief. All their problems seem to fade away in the silence. Their mutual understanding of one another meant that they were still connected, no matter how screwed up their lives really were. The silence couldn't last forever, but he knew that when she was ready, the words would come. They would come fast, for they always did when coming out of her mouth; and they may not make much sense, but they would come. He would just have to wait. He had been ready since the day he first met the crazy lady in front of him, though she was no longer begging for coffee. He had waited for her, and he would continue waiting for her. When she was ready, he'd be there. He had always been there.

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_Sometimes in the morning  
I am terrified and can't move.  
Awake, but cannot open my eyes.  
And the weight is crashing down  
on my lungs  
I know I can't breathe  
and hope someone will  
save me this time._  
-"A Better Son/Daughter" by Rilo Kiley

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She woke up from another restless sleep to the sound of Rory walking around downstairs. She looked at the clock: 6:30. Her alarm was set to go off in five minutes. She wondered what Rory could be doing up at this time of the morning, walking around, making noise, waking up her mother. Rory never woke up early. Except that one Saturday after the initial breakup with Dean, but that was ages ago. Lorelai thought about getting out of bed, for once beating her alarm clock. She decided against it. She closed her eyes, not ready to face the approaching day quite yet. She was not, however, blessed with the five minutes of sleep she deserves. She lied there, awake yet with her eyes closed, remembering all the thoughts that went through her head the night before. Thoughts about her life—how it had been, how it is, how it might be. She thought about the mess she had made in the past year. She ruined everything that she had going for her. Or at least everything that specifically involved an area that she never excelled in. She had glimpsed happiness once or twice in the past year: her first date with Max, Max's proposal, the first few blissful weeks of their engagement. But these moments were nothing compared to one specific scene that stuck out in her mind: picking colors for the diner with Luke. 

She had thrown everything away because of the memory of that night. Their almost kiss; searching for Stella; his comment about her not really having a chick. Every time she asked herself the question, "Lorelai, when in your life have you been the absolute happiest?" she came up with a short list of moments: the first time she looked into her daughter's face, the first night she and Rory lived in their very own house, the day they got Rory's acceptance letter to Chilton, and all the little moments that she and Luke were alone together. On this list solely, she ended her relationship with Max. She couldn't marry someone when the day he proposed did not make the "Lorelai's Happiest Moments" list. She couldn't lie to herself or to him. She couldn't swear the rest of her life to a man who she didn't love. And now she felt her whole life crashing around her. It had been months since she had last seen Max, but she still hadn't put the pieces of her life back together. She didn't know how to. She normally just ignored the problem until it simply went away because she didn't know how to deal with it. She didn't know how to approach a problem, study it, and come up with a solution. So she simply ignored it.

In this particular situation, the problem wouldn't go away because it was an actual person. And not just any person, it was a person who she saw everyday, who was her own personal Mr. Fix It. He could look at any problem and find a simple solution to solve it. She thought about Luke, how he must be taking orders from his six a.m. crowd. As she wondered how long it would take him to fix this particular problem in her life, it hit her. As she lied there in bed, waiting for her alarm clock to ring, she realized that all the other times her life had needed fixing he had come to her aide, but only after she told him that she needed fixing again. He would come to her rescue, save the day, and the problem would be gone, but he had to know there was a problem first.

She still hadn't spoken to him. The past few months, their daily routine stayed the same, and neither of them had broken the silence. No wonder he hadn't fixed her yet. She hadn't told him she needed fixing. She had kept her mouth shut, not trusting herself with even the slightest greeting because then he would know. He would know why she left Max, and she couldn't let him carry the burden of knowing. Her life would have to remain in pieces until she could share with him her problems without feeling guilty about what they meant.

Her alarm clock started buzzing, and her thoughts snapped back into reality. She turned the alarm off and went to the bathroom. Looking into the mirror, she saw only a ghost of who she once was. It wasn't just her heart and emotions that had fallen to pieces, her looks were deteriorating, too. How strange it was to know that what one is feeling is so easily conveyed by one's appearance. Her laugh lines had been replaced by frown lines, her eyes had a slight droop to them, and her hair lay limp. She knew that a shower and some properly applied makeup would hide everything she saw, but she also knew that one close look into her eyes would betray her every thought and emotion. She knew that only one thing—person really—could change how she felt. She needed someone to save her from herself this time. She needed her Mr. Fix It. The time was right. It was the time for the words to just come out.


End file.
